Disclaimer: Trigger Warning
Hey Mamas! Jess here and I’m ready to begin sharing some of what made for the most challenging pregnancy and difficult few months of my life. Bare with me, this is written up in a bit of diary form as I’ve put together the pieces of what I’ve written over the past several months and haven’t quite had the courage to share.
April 30, 2020
Just had baby girls last growth scan and she’s strong and healthy.
I’ve gotten many messages regarding my frequent ultrasounds and haven’t been prepared to share as I’ve tried to keep my mind at ease by not talking or thinking about the worst but here at 36 weeks and 4 days, I’m hopeful and in good spirits.
At our 20 week ultrasound we were told that everything looked good for the most part and then received a but. Truthfully at that moment, I think my mind went blank, immediately fearing the worst for my baby who I didn’t get know would be a little girl. It was at this appointment that we found out I had a two vessel umbilical cord, something I had never heard of before after all of my pregnancy research over the past several years. We were told everything else looked okay but that we’d need to have an echocardiography of baby’s heart to ensure that when the heart and kidneys formed, at the same time as the umbilical cord, that nothing went wrong.
It was later this day, that we found out we’d be having a little girl. I was over the moon but at the same time filled with fear.
I spent the next four weeks in tears, researching and reading terrifying scenarios, the worst being the potential of losing my baby girl- something I know I could never bare. It’s these fears that kept me from sharing with the world what was happening, I couldn’t think it, talk it or breathe it so I kept it in as best as I could and in my own time let the tears well up and prayed as often as possible.
At our visit 4 weeks later, the echocardiography confirmed that there were no MAJOR issues with my girls heart or kidneys which was of course a great sign. With a 2 vessel cord can sometimes come other issues, so to ensure that everything looked okay along the way, I was scheduled for growth scans every 4 weeks up until my 37 week appointment.
I feared the worst every time I walked in to get that scan. I feared the worst every time I didn’t feel her move for a certain amount of time. And I’ve lived in fear pretty much everyday since hearing the news of having a 2 vessel cord.
Today, my girl is strong and to this day, no “issues” have been found outside of the umbilical cord.
I still panic if I go long without feeling her move and don’t think I’ll fully breathe normally until she’s in my arms but am hopeful. I’m writing this so that when I’m ready to share it, I have it and can do so. I had a hard time finding positive stories and I’m sure another mama at her 20 week scan is discovering the same thing I did and is as scared as I was. The final concern for babies with two vessel cords is uterine growth restriction and all of our fears regarding her growth have been squashed as she’s measuring possibly bigger than her big brothers!
Baby girl is still breech however, so we have an ecv scheduled for Monday in hopes that she’ll flip for me and allow for a vbac delivery. If not, it’ll be one more thing that we’ll conquer together and come out stronger after.
May 4, 2020
Post ECV: My emotions are everywhere as I’m almost in shock that today went as well as it did. My girl did her thing and I’m so freaking proud! The procedure wasn’t nearly as bad as I remember with Luca and was so much quicker. Still, a rush of tears- except this time they were happy tears!
After an unsuccessful ECV which lead to a scheduled C-Section with Luca, I spent so much of last night visualizing this working and praying – God have I prayed a ton during this pregnancy – and I truly feel like it helped. I knew I had to be prepared for it not happening but am so thrilled to have gotten over this hurdle and to now have the opportunity to have a VBAC delivery.
Time to squat away and will this girl to a natural delivery!
May 14, 2020
I had my 39 week appointment today and unfortunately things haven’t moved along as much as hoped since flipping baby girl 2 weeks ago and since my visit last week. Because Dr. D doesn’t like to induce previous C-Sections after their due date, I had to make a choice: I can either induce this Wednesday, May 20th, 5 days before my due date or wait. If I wait and she doesn’t come by my due date, I’ll end up in a C-Section which I’ve worked so hard to avoid and so since there has been so little progress and Dr. D feels that my cervix is favorable, I decided to go ahead with the induction.
I cannot believe my girl could be in my arms in just a few days. Now that the induction is schedule, I’m so unbelievably excited and can’t wait to meet her. I’m a little nervous with being induced as I have heard some rough stories that end up in C-Section anyway and because I know that that inductions after C-Section aren’t TYPICALLY recommended but I’m trying to stay hopeful.
May 20, 2020
Leila Grace McLellan has arrived – she’s beautiful and perfect! (Read my birth story HERE!)
May 21, 2020
We are so in love with our girl and cannot wait to bring her home to meet her big brothers. Leila had a rough night as she’s been pretty mucousy from delivery and had some choking scares but thankfully the nurses here are saints and were there for us every step of the way. She did stay in the nursery for a few hours to be watched so we could get a little sleep between feedings which was tough because I wanted her by my side every second but I’m glad they were there to help us.
Today has been tough. We’ve had a lot of tests done in a short time to ensure that we are good and ready to take Leila home and head out. My sweet girl failed her hearing test this morning and again this afternoon. I know that she has a lot of fluid in her ears so am praying hard that this is the case and that this is why she isn’t passing. Because we’re leaving today, we are scheduled to return next Friday (in a week and a half) to retest. Please God, let her pass.
I don’t know how to put down words that I so badly need to right now. My baby girl is here and I’ve spent her second day of life in tears. As hospital pediatricians do each day a newborn is at the hospital, one came in to check on our girl today. She asked how things were going and aside from the hearing test (at this point she had only failed the first one and was scheduled for the second later in the day) Leila was a dream so we told her that we were doing great and that Leila was feeding well which she was. As the pediatrician examined Leila, she stopped and looked at us, looked at Leila. She asked us if anyone had mentioned that her arms were short and that her feet were puffy. No one had and she looked perfect to us, nothing seemed different than the boys or any other babies I’ve seen. Before we really had a chance to say much, she let us know that she wanted to do some testing, that she was seeing some characteristics of a chromosomal abnormality, specifically missing an X chromosome.
What?
I calmly asked her to tell me more and she said that they wouldn’t really know anything until testing came back in a WEEK AND A HALF! WHAT!? I didn’t know what to say or think or do but that’s pretty much where things were left.
Cal (my husband) and I started researching and discovered that she was talking about Turner’s syndrome. Researching and hugging and kissing our girl is just about all we’ve done ALL morning and afternoon. And cried. We feel so lost. After our fears with the 2 Vessel Cord subsided and frequent testing, we’re so confused. Everything looked great in the ultrasounds and while I knew that something could go undetected, I am so mad at myself for letting myself have false hope that everything was okay. We’ve cried over things together in our eight years together but never like this and God am I grateful I have him as my husband because I don’t think I would have made it through this day without him. We both know that no matter what, we’ll figure things out and that this doesn’t change anything but we’re scared and worried – we want the best for our baby.
When the pediatrician arrived the next time, it was at the same time that Leila failed her second hearing screening. She didn’t have hopeful information and my mama heart had just about taken all that it could at this point. But I needed more information; I needed to know our next steps if test results came back a certain way and what I could do to best prepare for my girl. By this point I’d joined two facebook groups – Turners Girls and Parents of Girls with Turner Syndrome – I was going to be as prepared as possible and was going to be ready to help my girl take on the world.
So I asked her what our next steps are and for the most part, we have to wait. We have to wait for the chromosomal test results until next week. We have to wait for the next hearing test until next week. “Okay,” I said to her, “And if she fails the hearing test again?” She handed me some pamphlets on Cytomegalovirus (CMV) and told us that our next steps would be to test for CMV as hearing loss is often a symptom of infant CMV. Thankfully Cal was by my side to catch me as I physically and mentally broke and fell to the bed beside me. I have only just recently heard of CMV through a friend who is experiencing it with her beautiful boy who was diagnosed at 4 months. And again, after my fears throughout pregnancy through having a 2 vessel cord and the stories of stillbirth, I know I could handle ANTYHING but losing my girl and she’s here and she’s mine so everything will be okay. But still, my mama heart feels broken.
There’s not much we can do at this point but wait, pray and research and most of all, love our sweet girl.
May 28, 2020
I can breathe a little better today. This has been quite possibly the longest week and a half of my life. The pediatrician called to tell us Leila’s karyotype looks normal and she does not in fact have any chromosomal abnormalities as the other pediatrician has suggested might be the case. I felt such relief though a part of me is afraid to relax just yet as Leila has her hearing screening tomorrow.
We’ve been paying careful attention to her reactions and it seems like she is getting startled but it’s so hard to tell this early on. Praying hard for tomorrow!
May 29, 2020
Leila girl is a rockstar and passed her hearing screening today! I’ve spent the last week and a half in the strangest place, trying to prepare for a different type of life with our girl while also praying that she would have things as easy as possible and that everything would go as we hoped. The past week and a half has been trying and difficult in so many ways and while everything would have been okay no matter what, I am feeling grateful and just so happy for my sweet girl.
** I’m sorry this was so wordy, it didn’t feel right to cut out things that I was feeling in the moments that I wrote them. It may seem strange that I decided to share this experience when everything in the end turned out different than some may have expected. In my months of uncertainty with a 2 vessel cord, and having an ecv to turn a breech baby and being induced after a c-section and after having my child tested for a chromosomal abnormality, I couldn’t find anyone who had ever gone through what I was going through. I feared for the worst everyday and wanted one positive, hopeful story – something to hold onto and to give me hope and I didn’t have that.
So why did I write a blog post, sorry STORY on my experience that in the end is all smiles and rainbows – so that I can give someone else hope if they ever find themselves in my shoes. If you know someone who needs to read this, please share and thank you for reading.
XO,
Work at Home Chaos 